Having the Conversation
It’s important to be open and honest, using clear language that considers their age, personality, and capacity to process the news. A good place to start is with the basic facts about your type of cancer and where it is in your body. You can then tailor the conversation based on your loved one’s responses.
Tips for Talking With a Child About Cancer
When you share the news with your child, honesty and clarity are crucial. If you are not transparent, your child or grandchild may get even more scared.
Here are 5 tips for talking with children about your cancer:
- Keep the language straightforward and refer to your illness by its medical name.
- Try to direct the conversation by providing information and staying in control.
- Remember, it’s okay to say, “I don’t know.” But promise to get answers.
- Stay calm to show that you are coping, but don’t be afraid to express sadness.
- Welcome their questions, but also respect their wish not to talk if they’re not ready.
How Different Ages May Respond
Your child or grandchild is likely to respond differently depending on their age. Therefore, it is important to tailor your conversation accordingly and be prepared for different reactions.
Here are some typical reactions you can expect, as well as age-appropriate tools you can use to help support your conversation.
Preschoolers (3-6 years)
At this age, children are beginning to understand illness and death. However, they can’t always see things from another person’s point of view. Therefore, you should be careful to ensure they don’t think they somehow caused your illness.
School-Age Children (7-12 years)
Older children can grasp more complex facts and the consequences of serious illnesses. Make sure to reassure them that you will always love them and that they will always be cared for. You may even wish to discuss the possibility of death if it is appropriate. You should be able to honestly discuss your condition and treatment plan using simple terms.
Adolescents (13-18 years)
Navigating the topic of your cancer diagnosis with teenagers requires understanding that most teens need independence. You should encourage an open dialogue about your condition, but also be prepared if they prefer talking with someone else about it.
How to Answer a Child’s Questions About Cancer
There is no way to predict what your child or grandchild will ask you. However, thinking about how you would answer common questions can help you prepare for how you respond to your child.
5 Questions Kids Have About Cancer
While every child is different, kids tend to have similar reactions when they find out their loved ones have cancer. This means their questions tend to follow a pattern.
Here are some common questions children have about cancer:
- What is cancer?
- Is cancer contagious?
- Why did this happen?
- Will I get cancer too?
- Are you going to die?
Talking With Your Child or Grandchild About Death
Be straightforward if you decide to talk about death with your child or grandchild. It’s best to avoid using substitutions intended to soften the blow — they often cause confusion. Most children process death slowly, so you should be prepared to be patient.
Make sure to create a supportive network for them so they know they are not alone. Remind them of things you have to look forward to in the future so they remain optimistic.
After You’ve Shared the News
The initial conversation with your child or grandchild is a huge part of the path ahead. However, it is not the only one. The process will be ongoing, and you should also be prepared for that.
“Remember that this conversation is only the first of many and that you can revisit important information as often as necessary.”
—Dana-Farber Cancer Institute
Check in with your child or grandchild regularly to see how they are doing. You should also monitor their behavior to look for red flags that they are not processing the news in a healthy manner.
It’s important to understand how your family’s situation can affect your child or grandchild emotionally and be prepared to offer them the support they need. If you are unable to help them cope on your own, make sure to seek additional help and support.
Understanding Childhood Trauma
A cancer diagnosis within the family can provoke a range of emotional and behavioral responses in children, often mirroring those observed in grief. Recognizing these signs is crucial for providing the necessary support.
These can be warning signs that a child is struggling with your cancer diagnosis:
- Anger or irritability
- Anxiety or social withdrawal
- Changes in sleep patterns or appetite
- Feelings of sadness
- Overwhelming sense of your presence
- Persistent thoughts about your illness
- Physical symptoms such as headaches or stomach aches
Each child reacts uniquely to the stress of a cancer diagnosis, with responses influenced by age, comprehension level, personality, and even differences among siblings within the same family.
Effects of Childhood Trauma
Approximately 25% of children experience posttraumatic stress and impaired quality of life after a parent’s cancer diagnosis, according to a study published in the Journal of Pediatric Psychology.
Traumatic stress can worsen mental health issues, disrupt learning, and be misunderstood by adults. Even positive memories of a parent can unexpectedly trigger distress, leading to avoidance behaviors in children.
Three types of reminders can trigger distress:
- Trauma reminders: Any reminders of your diagnosis or its treatment, like hospital visits, medical equipment, or certain smells
- Loss reminders: Situations that bring to mind what your diagnosis took away, such as observing friends engaging in activities you can no longer do together
- Change reminders: Adjustments in the child’s life due to your illness, like changes in daily routines or caregiving arrangements
Understanding these reactions and triggers can guide caregivers in providing appropriate support, ensuring children have the resources to navigate their emotions healthily.
Childhood Trauma Support Resources
Addressing childhood trauma effectively is vital for the emotional well-being and future happiness of your child or grandchild.
Here are several resources that can help with childhood trauma:
- Child Mind Institute: Offers clinical care, resources, and guidance for children and families dealing with trauma-related issues
- HealthyChildren.org: The official parenting website of the American Academy of Pediatrics, offering trustworthy and evidence-based information on child health and development
- National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN): Provides a wide range of resources and support for children and families dealing with various types of trauma
Seeking professional support through reputable organizations and maintaining open, honest communication within the family are important. These steps can help foster resilience and healing for your child or grandchild.